A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Farm

I just returned to New Zealand from a great week in Montana. But.

On the short, 2-hour plane trip from Denver to Great Falls, I sat next to the strangest seatmate I’ve ever met in my life (this includes my years on the public bus system of San Jose, California).

How to begin. I’m not even sure that I can translate the bizarreness of this experience into words. My seatmate’s name was Chuck, he had white hair and was most likely in his sixties, he was Montana-born but working for a coal corporation in Germany, he was a 4-time divorcee, and he seemingly thought there was a good chance of me sleeping with him in the near future. As Dave Barry says, I am not making this up.

Chuck bought me two tiny bottles of airline wine, which I thought was super nice of him, until his stories started getting randy, and the hand-patting started. Several of his stories involved mishaps encountered while sleeping with prostitutes. When Chuck got to the sex parts he’d make a noise that sounded like a salt shaker, to help me understand — something along the lines of “tst tst tst tst tst”. Sometimes this was accompanied by hand motions, also similar to using a salt shaker. I tried, pretty successfully, to keep a straight face through all of this. At one point, Chuck was making the salt shaker noise, and I added, “As you do”, which is a classic Kiwi witticism. “As you do,” Chuck solemnly agreed.

When he got to a story about a dog running over his naked butt while he was engaged with a European prostitute (this first terrified, then amused him), I looked over and saw a mother holding her hand over the ear of her small son.

Wait, wait, I didn’t even get to the best part yet.
While it is hard for me to be entirely certain about this, I believe that Chuck briefly tried to seduce me using a sort of sexual hypnosis technique. Let me elaborate–
Ten years ago I read a repulsive article on “speed seductionist” Ross Jeffries, who touts using sexually charged language as the best way to bed women quickly. (The article was called “The Sultan of Schwing”, from a March 1998 Rolling Stone. I really wanted to link to this article online but wasn’t able to locate it while writing this. Here’s a shorter article from Metroactive, a news and entertainment publication from San Jose, CA. Might I add that I’m not surprised that this guy hangs out in San Jose, the city having more than its fair share of per capita creep).

Anyway, this article painted Jeffries as such an unbelievable scumbag that Jeffries and the idea of “speed seduction” were indelibly burned into my memory banks.

Back to Jeffries’ seduction theories–he claims that you don’t have to refer directly to sexual words to seduce a woman, but can actually use homophones, or words that sound SIMILAR to sexual words/phrases. I kid you not! Maybe the most popular example is the phrase “below me”, which, when pronounced correctly, apparently sounds similar enough to (I feel silly even typing this) “blow me” to plant a subconscious seed of desire.

Chuck apparently subscribes to this tripe. (Well, he did get four women to marry him… maybe it works on the febrile) Because, after I mentioned wanting to travel to Scotland, the conversation took a very strange turn. He told me about spending some time living in a Scottish castle, with most of the action happening on the floor “below me”. The phrase “below me” got repeated several times, combined with weird eye contact, which raised my perversion antennae. Then Chuck started talking about the many “slots” (sluts??) in the castle. I think perhaps he was trying to talk about its crenelations, but he made no sense. Finally, he mentioned the phrase “hard-on” a couple of times, as in the experience “was hard on me”.

At this point, my inner dialogue was going something like this, “OH! MY! GOD! NO! YES! HE IS, HE TOTALLY IS! HE IS TRYING TO DO THAT THING FROM ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE! HAHAHAH! OH MY GOD! I CAN’T BELIEVE ANYONE WOULD ACTUALLY DO THAT! ITS SO HILARIOUS THAT HE’S TRYING THIS CRAZY CRAP ON SOMEONE WHO KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE’S TRYING TO DO!”

Overall, the experience was just surreal, like some kind of contemporary art performance piece.

But I think one word is all that’s necessary to sum up this dude:

Deutschbag.

2 Comments on "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Farm"

  • brian says

    omg. I nearly wet myself reading this. I would have paid anything to be sitting in the seat behind you watching this happen.

    Perhaps next time you should counter with your own form of hypnosis: “My favorite band is ‘Gofu Key-yors Elf.'”

  • allison says

    Ahh! That’s so great! Responding to subliminal come-ons with subliminal put-downs! Why didn’t I think of that??!?

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